she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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