Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
