he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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