May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
