just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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