i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
they're like a gay fantastic four
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Randomize
