What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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