if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
