just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
