I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Randomize
