we need to drink 2009 down the drain
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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