I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
