I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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