I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
