I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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