Can Purell be used as lube?
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
