How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Just high enough for therapy.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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