Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
