Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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