apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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