no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
