I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
