And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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