Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
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