You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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