We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
