I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
