someone threw a dead crab at me
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I need to sanitize my soul.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize
