For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
