You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
