Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
