We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
you traded sex for a burrito?
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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