I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
