I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
