i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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