He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Two words: blizzard sex
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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