weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
My pussy is not your playground.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Randomize
