I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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