i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
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