he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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