I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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