Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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