I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
