Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
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