Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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