arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
