this beer tastes like vomit already
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
