I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
