Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
