my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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