I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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