I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
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