I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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