He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I feel like a drive thru vagina
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize