Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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