I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
