I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
