I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
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