On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
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