They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
