Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
