john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
