I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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