Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
