her vagine was all disorganized.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
